The White House has today clarified that recently released Epstein emails alleging “Donald Trump knew about the girls” are “clearly referring to a different Donald Trump,” possibly a quiet accountant from Delaware or a plumber with the same name.
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters, “Let’s not jump to conclusions like the fake news media.
“‘Donald Trump’ is a very common name, there could be dozens of them across the country. Maybe even hundreds, if you include the ones who legally changed their names for attention.”
She continued, “It’s just irresponsible to assume these highly damaging emails refer to our Donald Trump, just because they were friends and were filmed partying together.”
When asked why the emails also mentioned “Mar-a-Lago” and “Ghislaine,” Leavitt explained, “Those are also very common nouns. ‘Mar-a-Lago’ could be part of any Spanish phrase roughly translating to ‘seaside compound filled with secrets.’ And ‘Ghislaine’ could refer to… a type of French bread. Yes. A delicious, buttery loaf.”
The statement follows a string of increasingly creative defences from the administration, including:
- “The Epstein mentioned isn’t that Epstein, it’s a different deceased billionaire with a private island.”
- “Trump’s name appears by divine coincidence, like how you sometimes see Jesus on toast.”
- “The emails were probably written by AI, which, as we all know, has a massive liberal bias and hates Trump.”
When pressed on whether the President might simply tell the truth about his multi-year relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Leavitt smiled nervously and said, “We’re exploring that option, but it’s currently not polling well.”
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the “other Donald Trump”, an actual plumber from Newark, issued a brief statement: “Please stop calling me. My phone’s been ringing all morning and my wife thinks I’ve got a secret island.
“I just fix toilets.”
